For several months, I have been deeply depressed. Life seems to be having more and more downs and the ups are fewer and farther between.
I find that I’m sinking deeper and it’s getting harder to pull myself out. Just recently I noticed that I’m doing what I have for many many years, I go shopping. No, I’m not a shopaholic. I only shop like this when life has thrown me these “big blows”. For me, these “big blows” have always been about a man in my life. I usually try to shake it by going to the store shopping for new clothes and all kinds of new things to redecorate the house and yes, add a new hairdo to that list.
Yep, that seems to do the job. I convince myself as I keep busy doing all these things which keep my mind from thinking about all the shit I’ve been through and now I am numb too.
This repetitive manipulation of self has been going on for many many years. Let’s say for as long as I have had the money to act on these costly whelms. For me, it seemed to have made me feel and look better.
It was not until today, as I was “Spring Cleaning”, removing all the old clothes, and household accessories while sporting my new hairdo, that I realized I was having an Oprah, “Aha” moment. I had been missing a big life lesson. That lesson was about me. I had been throwing out clothes I no longer needed, wanted, and had outgrown. Outgrown, really! Let’s keep it real. I had put on a few pounds and could no longer get into some of the clothes. I had and was doing the same thing with the perfectly good comforters, pillows, throws, pictures, vases, rugs, towels, and other household items.
The big lesson was staring me in the eyes. I was always going to be throwing things out because I had failed at doing an inner cleaning. No, I’m not talking about a biological cleansing but an emotional and spiritual cleansing. My inner being was overloaded with anger, bitterness, pain, disappointment, and hurt. Buying all the new stuff was an easy distraction to keep my mind from thinking and my body from feeling.
As this realization unfolded I crumbled to the floor as the numbness gave way to tears. Tears of self-pity came like a tsunami as I drew my knees to my chest and heard my inner voice say, “How did I allow myself to get to this point and how do I find my happiness?”
I am now on a journey of inner cleansing, ridding myself of sadness, hurts, disappointment, and the anger that caused me to live with traumas. By Carolyn