As I write this I am reminded of something I heard someone say recently. Although, I can’t remember the exact quote, the premise was simply that for every negative comment a child has hurled at them, it takes three times as many positive comments to erase the negative self talk that is produced. It’s as if the negative energy that child internalizes is a gremlin feeding upon every negative word until it becomes a full grown beast. In my humble assessment that beast is trauma. It attaches itself to your spirit and like a thief in the night stalks your thoughts, feelings and actions spouting doubt and fear with every step you take. My recent experiences have taught me that trauma never leaves you. In fact, it’s a silent killer. Motivating ones self destructive actions, everything from addiction to self doubt and fear.
It is this trauma we must face and do battle with on a daily bases. There is no pill you can take that will heal all the trauma you’ve experienced in life. However, healing is possible. It begins with honesty and openness. Deciding to be open and honest about the traumatic experiences you’ve faced begins the road to liberation. I found that the saying “Secrets keep you sick” is true and accurate. They created shame and self deprecating ideas that have manifested in my life as substance abuse and depression. For most of my 48-years of life I have been holding onto painful secrets of abuse under the delusion that some how the trauma others caused to the child in me were my fault and responsibility. As if being open about having been molested by a next door neighbor at the age of 7 or 8, and again by one older brother in those formative years was indicative of the man I’ve become. The greatest piece of False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR) that I held was that in being honest people would judge me as weak or tainted in some way; I can’t readily articulate. The reality is that I am in fact strong and heroic to have survived such abuse and still have normal relationships that inspire in me a drive to achieve greatness in my life.
In all honesty I am indebted and forever grateful to my best friend and fiancé Penda Te, who in every breath teaches me the true meaning of love. It is because of her love and undying support that I find the truth in a mind filled with deception and dis-ease. This battle with PICS came out of nowhere and dealt a devastating blow to our relationship and dreams. Yet she has taken the warriors path and fought to prove to me I am in fact the image and likeness of a Creator who is love in its purest form. There’s no words to express the depth of gratitude I feel toward her. So, instead of telling her I strive daily to show her. How do I do so is the million dollar question, I’ll discuss in part two.