One of the most difficult things about suffering from PICS [Post InCarceration Syndrome]is feeling alone in a world of people. I have to be careful about giving in to the desire of wanting to isolate myself because after suffering under the inhuman sensory deprived isolation of Pelican Bay State prison for 17 years I have come to internalize the loneliness and despair of isolation. Although I know how much Penda and my family love and support me they can’t understand the hell I am living in inside my own mind. Nothing I say seems to convey the desperation inside of me. Mostly because I can’t put it into words. While in my active addiction I caused extreme trauma to my relationship. Trauma that reoccurs every time I leave the house. No matter how much I try to show that I am on the right track the trauma rears its head and distrust leads to pain for both Penda and myself. I don’t know what to do. How do I prove my self and earn her trust back? They say it takes time, but it feels like time is killing us.